Journals and blogs discussion

Hi all, I became a member of this board roughly seven days ago, looking for clarity on why I react the way I do while wearing women’s pantyhose. As a sub who has never truly been claimed or prompted to explore these cravings, I first encountered the erotic thrill of hose fabric as a teenager when I would sneak my sister’s pairs. Even now, I remain fascinated by them without fully grasping the root cause. I see my “part-time” Mistress regularly, yet it feels like we aren’t quite aligned in our interests. I have been totally transparent about what I want and need; she seems engaged but often fails to act on what I share with her. I hesitate to constantly remind her or simply say “no” to our current dynamic, primarily because she enjoys exploring other fetishes that also appeal to me. My list of kinks is quite long, making it hard to narrow down to just one or two core preferences. My deepest desire is to find a single Mistress who can guide and control me every day. Without that consistent oversight, I feel chaotic or fall into sexual excesses. It isn’t that my actions are wrong, but when the impulse strikes (which happens frequently), I end up wrapping myself in multiple layers of pantyhose and women’s undergarments, spending hours masturbating. This can happen as often as five times daily. Following a day of self-pleasure, I feel ashamed and hollow because it feels like wasted effort; I couldn’t dedicate that release to my Mistress. Although my “part-time” Mistress doesn’t maintain steady contact with me, I have attempted to let her dictate when I am permitted to cum. Our agreement was simple: I must reach out and receive permission before releasing myself. When she grants this approval, my orgasms feel purposeful—they are done for her pleasure. However, as weeks pass, she rarely responds to my requests. This isn’t necessarily a denial of the orgasm itself, but rather that life has distracted her. I have never felt more satisfied than when I receive permission to cum. The experience becomes even richer if there is an assigned task attached, such as being instructed to call and speak while I masturbate, or to consume my own seed afterward, or perhaps to photograph myself clad in my pantyhose. There is so much more out there that I am missing, yet I struggle with where to locate it, how to request it, and even what exactly “it” entails. I hope this journal entry helps clear the fog from my thoughts, allowing the answers to return to me. lost, j24757