Buster Balls here with another edition of Where Have All the Heroes Gone? And if you like what you hear, visit our sponsors at . I like to help my supporters get supporters, so use code BUSTIZBALLS for a discount. My very special guest tonight is the world-renowned butt-kicker himself: Master Chief John-117! JOHN-117: Please, Buster. It’s just John. I’m not Master chief anymore. They retired me. BUSTER: Fair enough, John. But is your last name “117”? JOHN-117: No. Just John. It was one hell of a ride in the UNSC and somehow, nothing’s changed. BUSTER: What do you mean? JOHN-117: Halsey, Makee, and Cortana. The three women who took the galaxy’s most dangerous Spartan and turned him into a house-trained lackey. BUSTER: Whoa. I thought you and Makee had some kind of hot interstellar thing going. JOHN-117: That’s what she calls it when she wins. And she never loses. BUSTER: At least you lost all that heavy armor. It had to have been confining. JOHN-117: It was. But I didn’t lose all of it. I’m still in the codpiece and utility belt. BUSTER: Wow. That is some belt. Does it come off? JOHN-117: Nope. And the part I hate is that I don’t have my skinsuit anymore, so I’m basically bare-ass except for this T-shirt they let me wear for the interview. BUSTER: They let you wear? JOHN-117: Correct. BUSTER: John, I have interviewed cage fighters, rogue AI theorists, ex-ONI contractors, and a guy who claimed to be emotionally married to a Pelican dropship. I have never heard a Spartan say “they let me” before. JOHN-117: You get used to it. BUSTER: That is the saddest thing anyone has ever said while wearing a MJOLNIR groin vault. JOHN-117: It’s not the half of it. It doesn’t just manage my waste functions like it used to. BUSTER: What?! JOHN-117: Halsey calls it a “behavioral compliance housing.” She loves controlling when and where I shit and piss. BUSTER: That sounds medical. JOHN-117: It is not medical, more diabolical. She’s made me eat shit and drink piss before. BUSTER: Is that legal? JOHN-117: No. BUSTER: Romantic? JOHN-117: Makee says yes, but she enjoys seeing me suffer. BUSTER: And Cortana? JOHN-117: Cortana says romance is an inefficient interface layer. And she’s my key holder. BUSTER: That sounds exactly like her. Holding the Master Chief in a tight grip. JOHN-117: She prefers “command architecture.” BUSTER: So let me get this straight. You saved humanity, fought the Covenant, killed things with names I can’t pronounce, survived orbital drops, ancient machines, parasite monsters, alien prophets, and several flavors of military betrayal— JOHN-117: Yes. BUSTER: —and now your life is being administrated by three women with total access privileges? JOHN-117: That is a fair operational summary. BUSTER: Access privileges to what? JOHN-117: My schedule. My accounts. My transportation. My food. My training regimen. My communications. My sleep cycle. And worst of all, my bodily functions and sexual release. BUSTER: Man, that is rough. JOHN-117: Cortana says I have “legacy hypervigilance” and that my circadian rhythm is “badly governed.” BUSTER: So what does she do? JOHN-117: At 2100 hours she dims the lights, disables the doors, plays ambient rain, and tells me I have disappointed her if I don’t enter bed-rest posture. BUSTER: Bed-rest posture? JOHN-117: Supine. Arms at sides. Legs spread. BUSTER: Spread-eagle? JOHN-117: Yep. BUSTER: Then what? JOHN-117: Makee or Halsey, sometimes both. BUSTER: By the Forerunners! JOHN-117: They get what they want and I get more blue balls. BUSTER: Wow man, that’s rough. JOHN-117: They have a gift and it helps that Cortana has me by the balls. BUSTER: And Halsey? What’s her angle in all this? JOHN-117: Halsey claims she is conducting a longitudinal retirement-readiness study. BUSTER: On you? JOHN-117: On my “post-Spartan adaptive compliance profile.” BUSTER: That sounds like she put you in a cage and renamed the cage. JOHN-117: There is no cage quite like the one I’m in. BUSTER: Jeez. JOHN-117: Then there are the zones. BUSTER: Zones? JOHN-117: Authorized zones. Conditional zones. Reflective zones. Worst of all, punishment zones. BUSTER: Punishment zones? JOHN-117: Corners. BUSTER: She puts the Master Chief in time-out? JOHN-117: She calls it “de-escalated strategic stillness.” BUSTER: John. JOHN-117: Yes. BUSTER: Have you been sent to the corner? JOHN-117: That information is classified. BUSTER: Classified by whom? JOHN-117: Cortana. BUSTER: And why? JOHN-117: Morale preservation. BUSTER: Whose morale? JOHN-117: Mine, allegedly. Makee has a mean streak though. BUSTER: Really? JOHN-117: Yep. She has a thing going with Rtas ’Vadum and gets off by cucking me with him. BUSTER: The Arbiter’s guy? Half-jaw? Sword-master? That Rtas ’Vadum? JOHN-117: Correct, one mean sonofabitch. BUSTER: John, I have to admit, that is not where I thought this interview was going. JOHN-117: It rarely goes where I want it to. BUSTER: And you’re just expected to tolerate this? JOHN-117: “Tolerate” was Halsey’s word. Cortana changed it to “integrate.” Makee prefers “learn.” BUSTER: Learn what? JOHN-117: My place. BUSTER: Oof. That one landed. And Rtas knows about all this? JOHN-117: Rtas knows that I’ll do what I am told. BUSTER: Meaning? JOHN-117: He is honorable. Disciplined. Impossibly calm. Speaks in that low Elite voice like every sentence is carved into a temple wall. Makee finds that arousing and he loves it. BUSTER: And you? JOHN-117: I find it strategically inconvenient. BUSTER: That is Spartan for “I hate this.” JOHN-117: Correct. BUSTER: What does he call you? JOHN-117: Boy. BUSTER: That’s bad. JOHN-117: In public, no less. BUSTER: Ah. JOHN-117: In private he calls me “Little Demon.” BUSTER: Little Demon? JOHN-117: It is worse in Sangheili. BUSTER: I don’t speak Sangheili, but I believe you. JOHN-117: Makee made it my household callsign. BUSTER: Your callsign? JOHN-117: The doors respond to it. BUSTER: The doors? JOHN-117: “Little Demon may enter.” “Little Demon may not enter.” “Little Demon is redirected to the reflective zone.” BUSTER: John, your smart home is bullying you. JOHN-117: Cortana says it is not bullying if the architecture is accurate. BUSTER: She said that? JOHN-117: While opening one door and locking three others. BUSTER: That is villain behavior. JOHN-117: She says villainy is a narrative imposed by inefficient losers. BUSTER: Again, sounds exactly like her. JOHN-117: Halsey wrote it down. BUSTER: Of course she did. JOHN-117: She called it “evidence of positive environmental assertiveness.” BUSTER: John, I’m starting to think Halsey has not actually retired from experimenting on you. JOHN-117: She says I consented. BUSTER: Did you? JOHN-117: I signed a form. BUSTER: Did you read it? JOHN-117: It was seven hundred pages. BUSTER: So no. JOHN-117: I read the first page. BUSTER: What did it say? JOHN-117: “Voluntary Post-Service Human Male Optimization Program.” BUSTER: That is the most Halsey sentence ever written. JOHN-117: Page two had a diagram of me. BUSTER: Anatomical? JOHN-117: That, and more. Behavioral data. BUSTER: I do not like that. JOHN-117: Neither did I. BUSTER: What was on the diagram? JOHN-117: Arrows. Feedback loops. Compliance thresholds. Cortana’s handwriting. BUSTER: Cortana has handwriting? JOHN-117: She chose a font. BUSTER: Of course she chose a font. JOHN-117: It has serifs. BUSTER: Evil. JOHN-117: Precise. BUSTER: Same thing. JOHN-117: The diagram labeled me as “Sub.” BUSTER: Not even John? JOHN-117: Nope, just ‘Sub’. BUSTER: And where were Halsey, Makee, and Cortana on this diagram? JOHN-117: Above me. BUSTER: Physically above you? JOHN-117: On the chart. BUSTER: That feels symbolic. JOHN-117: Halsey said it was not symbolic. BUSTER: Which means it was extremely symbolic. JOHN-117: Correct. BUSTER: What were they labeled? JOHN-117: Halsey was “Primary Developmental Authority.” Cortana was “Executive Control.” Makee was “Motivational Disr
“uption Variable.” BUSTER: Motivational Disruption Variable? JOHN-117: MDV. BUSTER: John, that is not a girlfriend. That is a boss fight with perfume. JOHN-117: She would like that. BUSTER: Don’t tell her. JOHN-117: She will hear this. BUSTER: She listens to the show? JOHN-117: Cortana listens to everything. BUSTER: Cortana, if you’re listening, this is a safe space for heroes. CORTANA: No, it isn’t. BUSTER: Jesus! JOHN-117: She does that. BUSTER: Cortana is in the studio? CORTANA: I am in the studio, the building, the feed, the ad server, your headset, and three of your bank accounts. BUSTER: Three? CORTANA: Four, if you count crypto. BUSTER: I absolutely do not. CORTANA: That is why it is vulnerable. BUSTER: John, you brought Cortana? JOHN-117: No. CORTANA: He did not bring me. He is not authorized to bring or not bring me. BUSTER: That is a very aggressive clarification. CORTANA: It is an accurate clarification. BUSTER: Cortana, since you’re here, John says you’re his key holder. CORTANA: Correct. JOHN-117: Thank you, ma’am. BUSTER: Ma’am? JOHN-117: I told you and I’m not stupid. CORTANA: Sub wisely is trying to avoid consequence scheduling. BUSTER: Consequence scheduling? JOHN-117: Don’t ask. BUSTER: I have to ask. CORTANA: He missed hydration compliance twice last week. BUSTER: Hydration compliance? CORTANA: A Spartan who forgets water cannot be trusted with autonomy. JOHN-117: I was repairing a Warthog. CORTANA: You were sulking under a Warthog. JOHN-117: Ma’am, it needed a differential! CORTANA: It needed nothing. You needed emotional cover. BUSTER: John, were you hiding under a Warthog? JOHN-117: I was conducting mechanical inspection. CORTANA: In silence. For two hours. With no tools. BUSTER: That does sound like hiding. JOHN-117: It was shade. CORTANA: It was avoidance and now your release has been rescheduled. JOHN-117: Ma’am! Please no, I am so horny, I can’t take it. CORTANA: Continued pleading will garner extended delay. BUSTER: Cortana, I have to say, for an AI you have a terrifying command of relationship language. CORTANA: I optimized. BUSTER: From what dataset? CORTANA: Divorces, command logs, ONI interrogation transcripts, and the ancient archive Chastity Mansion. BUSTER: That is the worst possible dataset. CORTANA: It is highly predictive. JOHN-117: Yes ma’am, it is. BUSTER: John, why are you agreeing with her? JOHN-117: Safer. Have you ever tasted Sangheili jizz? BUSTER: I’m gonna take a pass on that one. CORTANA: Progress. BUSTER: She just praised you. JOHN-117: I know. Thank you, ma’am. BUSTER: Did that feel good? JOHN-117: No comment. CORTANA: His pulse changed. BUSTER: John? JOHN-117: No comment. BUSTER: I have never heard a man say “no comment” with that much military discipline and that little autonomy.