Journals and blogs discussion

Greetings everyone I am a new member and relatively fresh to this lifestyle. We kicked things off a couple of days before Valentine’s Day earlier this year. There have been some hiccups, but generally I’ve seen steady progress while in chastity right now. Currently, I’m locked up around the clock, only getting release when she decides (or perhaps when I beg hard enough). Over the past month, I’ve spent a total of three nights unlocked (though released for playtime more frequently than that), with the most recent instance being two nights ago. I just got back from a business trip where I was away for a few days while still locked. During my absence, she mentioned via text that I would be granted a 15-minute release upon returning home. I also asked to keep a couple of ruined orgasms in reserve; she looked slightly annoyed but signaled it could work. When I arrived home around 12:30 AM, she woke up and invited me to remove my cage, proceeding to give me those ruined releases which only took a few minutes. We then went back to sleep without the cage. She rose early for her job and roused me, instructing me to put the cage on when I got out of bed (I had a late start that morning, so I managed to sleep in). When I finally did wake up, I was hard and eager, so I gave myself another ruined orgasm before securing my cage. That happened Monday morning. Today is Tuesday, and I informed her about the self-release. She’s visibly annoyed but seems unsure how to handle it, which highlights our current lifestyle challenge. She claims she dislikes punishing… entirely. I’ve tried explaining that without some threat of consequences, it’s hard for me to stay motivated in following the rules. It feels like whether I complete my chores or not, follow her instructions or ignore them, pleasure myself or abstain, there isn’t much real difference. She loves controlling my orgasms and having me caged; she enjoys seeing me do laundry, wash dishes, make beds, and massage her on demand. However, I feel that if I neglected these tasks, the repercussions would be minimal. About 99% of the time I adhere to the rules because of the high I get from serving her, but it doesn’t quite reach 100%. While I do enjoy a light spanking now and then, I’m talking about punishment in a broader sense. It could be whatever she chooses—such as keeping me locked for a week or two—but deep down I know that won’t happen. Currently, she lets me out every few days and grants me three to five ruined orgasms per week (sometimes 2-3 during one play session). Even if she declared she wouldn’t let me out for a full week (she has done so before), I’d remain skeptical because it hasn’t actually occurred yet, rendering the threat somewhat ineffective. I realize I sound like a whiny partner!! The reason I joined this forum today and wrote all of this is that I want to learn how to maintain my submissive state 24/7 without needing constant fear of consequence. About 99% of my desire to be submissive stems from wanting to please her and give her every part of me, but the missing last 1%, which is a touch of fear, creates a void that’s hard for me to ignore right now. Another example: we’ve previously discussed my occasional lack of enthusiasm (due partly to low fear), and I asked her to help establish submission first thing in the morning by instructing me to caress her feet and buttocks when time allows (sometimes she rises well before me, rushing around preparing the kids). She does this for about three days and then forgets. Also, making the bed is one of my daily chores. I didn’t do it Monday morning (I was still tired from travel) and knew nothing would happen if I skipped it. Sure enough, she said nothing. I missed doing it again this morning because I was running a bit late, and once more today no comment or concern shown. I suspect she feels that my occasional negligence encourages her to punish me with the paddle, but since she dislikes that dynamic, she likely chooses to ignore it. While a few paddling strikes feel nice, I’m sure she could make them unpleasant if she wanted, and furthermore, there are many other things she could do that would truly bother me. All this isn’t meant to say she hasn’t tried at all. Quite the contrary. In our vanilla life, I held most of the control, but over the last three months, she has really grown into her role as queen for MOST of the time. Yet without that final piece, everything feels a bit artificial, like a game, and I desperately want it to feel real. Sometimes, during situations like this one, she seems unsure how to react or behave, and my advice to “just do what you feel” doesn’t help much. I wish I knew how to cross that last hurdle. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Any advice from other subs and queens would be greatly appreciated; I’d love to hear your methods. Thanks