Journals and blogs discussion

Greetings all, I’ve shared my story a few times before and have read through many of your posts, which I found quite captivating. I’m a 36-year-old submissive with plenty of experience in intense Dominant/Submissive dynamics from a previous relationship, but deep down I knew I needed something deeper. Accepting this was difficult for me initially, but thanks to time and my wife’s support, I’ve come to realize that I truly crave a 24/7 lifestyle. I’m eager to share what I go through here and hope to learn from those of you who have successfully navigated such relationships. My wife and I have been together for nearly a decade. She is intelligent, beautiful, independent, and strong-willed. We’ve had our ups and downs trying to establish this DS dynamic. Early on, I pushed her too hard, leading to an unfortunate outcome. She grew disgusted and fearful of the whole arrangement, even though she was curious herself. That fault lay entirely with me. Although we generally got along well, our intimacy took a hit. Realizing something had to change, I consulted a therapist about a year ago who specializes in couples exploring alternative lifestyles. Her guidance has been instrumental in helping me accept my submissive nature. So, my wife and I are starting fresh. I realized that if I want to lead this lifestyle, I need to put forth the effort to serve her properly. Over the last three weeks, without specific direction from her, I’ve brought her coffee and breakfast in bed regularly, bought flowers often, written little love notes, and purchased cards for no special reason. She is noticing these gestures and has responded by expressing appreciation for my behavior, telling me she feels special. I earned significant points when she wanted to spend time with a close friend recently. I secretly arranged a picnic where I picked up both of them. I had them sit in the back seat, which were adorned with flowers for each lady. While they chatted and enjoyed girly time, I chauffeur-ed them to a park. There, I presented wine along with various cuts of ham and cheese. Everything was centered around them. My wife was overjoyed, her friend was equally impressed, and she told my wife how lucky she is to have someone like me in her life. Even while driving, my wife mentioned feeling quite dommy. Around this time, my wife asked me to refrain from masturbating. She teased me with passionate kisses and fondling of my member. My submissive feelings began to deepen significantly. Last Friday night, we had a heartfelt conversation where I expressed my desire for her to lock me up. She replied that all would come in good time and advised patience. Perhaps this is when the anxiety sets in for me. My subby emotions are so strong it’s hard just to let things flow naturally. If she doesn’t pay much attention to me over a couple of days while I serve, I start feeling sad and nervous that my efforts aren’t being seen. This happened recently; she became quite dominant, telling me to focus solely on her and be patient. All I could do was say “Yes Ma’am” as she spoke down to me then. In response, my sadness turned into motivation to serve even more diligently. I went out of my way to prepare a wonderful dinner that pleased her greatly. Two days ago, after two weeks without orgasms, we had some fairly standard sex under her guidance. It started with wine. She spoke sternly and confidently. I felt so overwhelmed/confused that I admitted how these recent weeks brought forth submissive thoughts I hadn’t considered before. She took it all in stride and then instructed me to prepare champagne, music, and candles for her while she showered. The sex was intense yet relatively vanilla due to her direction. She looked ecstatic (on cloud nine). The following morning left me a bit puzzled. I asked if I should continue the rule of no orgasms without permission, and she said no. She declared that I could masturbate freely until she decides to restrict me again. I tried explaining how being restricted actually motivates my service even more, but she didn’t seem concerned by this argument. Her point was clear: I need to learn to give up control. She noted that while I wanted locking, what excited her was making the decisions herself rather than me pushing for them. I understand her perspective, though I thought she might prefer constant denial since she noticed a definite shift in my demeanor. So, I’m confused and slightly downcast. It sounds contradictory—I want to be locked up yet crave cruelty. We’ve played before where she displayed sadistic traits, which is exactly what I yearn for now. She seems content with the status quo, asking me to remain patient as well. Patience isn’t easy for me. Doubts creep in that she might not notice my efforts or won’t push further. My anxiety needs managing.