Hello everyone,
I’m a married man of 34, celebrating nearly five years with my wife (we’ve been together for over ten in total). We have two great kids and I hold a senior role that keeps me busy but fulfilled. My career involves plenty of travel around the globe.
BDSM, FemDom, and chastity have always intrigued me as far back as I can remember. However, I missed what feels like “the moment” to bring up this side of my sexuality early in our relationship. After some playful, half-joking comments from her, I sensed she wasn’t keen on kinky activities at all. As I became more emotionally invested, the fear of rejection grew; speaking about my desire to submit felt risky.
Our sex life has been very satisfying and remained so throughout these years, even though having children made it less frequent but no less enjoyable for both of us. Combined with my long solo trips lasting days or weeks at a time, I gradually separated my submissive self from my vanilla-married persona. When away, I began watching more FemDom porn and masturbating regularly. Secretly, I bought toys like buttplugs, nipple clamps, and a chastity device. Yes, virtually cheating on my wife with strangers behind a webcam—some of whom I paid well to dominate me regularly during my travels.
I knew this was wrong, yet I couldn’t tell my completely oblivious wife about her “dark” desires. On one hand, silence; on the other, it became an addiction hard to quit. Long story short: earlier this summer, she found my toy collection hidden in a desk drawer and confronted me. I told her everything immediately.
The following days and weeks were shocking, tearful, and existential. Yet, I felt a tiny relief that the secrecy was over; I could stop hiding such a huge part of myself from the person I love most. She might leave—she definitely considered it at first—but through painful, long-open honest talks (which we should have started ten years ago), we realized our love is strong enough to overcome differences in sexual desire. Our sexuality never lost its appeal for either of us.
Trust-building will be necessary, but she seems willing to give me another chance, which I am infinitely grateful for.
Since then, life has been confusingly wonderful and troubling simultaneously. My wife remains completely vanilla; I can’t (and don’t want) her dominating me in a typical BDSM context—ordering me around, spanking or humiliating me isn’t really her style.
However, since sharing my desire to submit and my specific kinks for chastity, tease/denial, and prioritizing her pleasure, our sex life has changed dramatically. She fully embraces putting her needs first. Knowing I don’t mind (and even enjoy) not always reaching orgasm during sexual activity, she lets me please her more often and for longer durations. Often curling up after her own climax, she feels my raging erection against her backside while claiming she’s too tired for more. She teases me the next day with comments about when we’ll have another chance.
She even enjoys letting me worship, kiss, and lick her anus while I finger her—something she used to shy away from but now clearly likes. She asks for massages or lotion applications after showers, noticing my eagerness (which wasn’t always there before) and my immediate arousal during the process, though mostly ignoring it. No longer shy about sitting on my face and riding me to orgasm, sometimes quite brutally smothering me in the process.
These dynamics only happen when I’m home, which is roughly a third of the time (irregularly). Since her “discovery,” she finds it hard to let me go without worrying I’ll revert to my online activities. I’ve assured her that sharing this with her means zero desire for outside internet distractions. Of course, trust takes time.
I proposed the idea of a chastity device. She is somewhat dismissive; she doesn’t want the feeling of “controlling” me via it and finds them aesthetically lacking (she even used the word “ugly”). This creates conflict: seeing a man in a cage makes my heart race, but to her, it’s a turn-off.
When I left home for the first time post-discovery, I promised not to touch myself while away. I wanted to save sexual energy for her and make her the sole object of my desires. Surprisingly, she liked this idea—finding it romantic and a “challenge” for me to stay chaste without wearing a device.
It’s been nearly three months now. I travel in complete chastity, returning home incredibly horny, reading every wish from her lips, giving her the attention she deserves. My wife benefits too: traveling allows more sleep, healthy eating, and work focus. I channel testosterone into daily workouts; my wife has noticedly appreciated the muscle gain and fat loss.
It sounds perfect, but here’s my problem:
While I’ve succeeded in staying honest through sheer willpower (my longest streak is two weeks—impressive given years of wanking every 2-3 days), I constantly wonder how much better it would be with a chastity cage. It might seem ungrateful, considering her amazing adaptation so quickly. But knowing I am chaste for her keeps the image of cages in my mind all day.
I suggested wearing one only during travel and leaving the key at home where she wouldn’t see it. She remains reluctant. Perhaps because she saw one earlier with those shocking attachments, making it a difficult object for her nearness. I understand that, but this is such a strong fetish of mine; I’d even like to wear it around her while pleasuring her.
I guess time will tell. Maybe we’ll revisit next year… Any ideas or suggestions?
(Sorry for the long post! I’ve been lurking here for ages and decided now was the time to share my story, hoping others in similar situations—hiding their submissive side within a relationship without daring to out themselves to partners—will find it encouraging.)
I likely would have stayed silent if it hadn’t occurred by chance as it did. However, a partner who loves you won’t judge your sexual needs; instead, she’ll seek to understand and embrace them alongside the rest of who you are. I still find it hard to believe that my wife and I could have enjoyed all these amazing experiences much sooner, free from the secrecy and guilt of keeping things behind her back! If I had the power to alter one thing about my life over the last decade, this would undoubtedly be what I’d change.