Journals and blogs discussion

“This year is going to be different.”, that was my mantra at the start of 2008. For starters I was going to stop living in fear. Fear of what? Just about anything considered risky behavior. Including getting that frenum piercing I had been contemplating since 1995. On January 03, I was the proud piercee and had the CBR to prove it. The piecing was also to be part of a Lori Spiral security system. But even more than that the piercing served as a daily reminder that things did not have to remain the same. So, as I was healing (keep in mind, my wife had no idea I was up to any of this. More on that in a minute.) I decided to let my wife know I was no longer content to be an enabler of what I considered to be a sexually disfunctonal marriage. My wife and I have been married nearly 19 years. The past 12 years of that marriage have been devoid of sex and any kind of physical affection. Not even one deep kiss in all that time. We needed to get professional help. The art of the scene: I had managed to stay monogamous through the use of solo scenes. But as anyone who has ever engaged in such activities is aware, it sometimes leaves one wanting. And it can get expensive. And let’s not forget to mention the guilt. I frequently felt like I was cheating. Part of me wanted to get caught, just to get us talking about what wasn’t working and how we could fix it. Careful as I was with clean up, every once in a while a “prop” would get discovered, and it was back to the brooding, hurt feelings and mistrust. I just couldn’t take it anymore. A week prior to Valentines Day, I presented a very heartfelt letter to my queen. It had taken me two weeks and about six revisions before I felt it adequately expressed my feelings. She read it and cried. A lot. We talked. And cried some more, both of us this time. In all the talking there was no clue as to why the lack of inimacy or desire on her part. We agreed to get help. But she didn’t want to attend counseling together. She said just her first, and if I was needed, then I would join her. Therapy didn’t start right away. There was a lull in her and my resolve. February came and went. Into March I decided I liked my frenum piercing so much I was going to get a P/A too. So I did. In March I also tried to let her know I was interested in chastity and D/s. Ohhhhhh, it was a ham-handed attempt, I will admit. An utter failure. I thought that part of her apprehension at intimacy might be as a result of feeling out of control. She is a very dominant person in every area of her life, outside of the bedroom. I thought she would be a natural. More to come…