Fine on my own, hopeless when she is doing it

Question

On my own I can go a long time and stop where I mean to. When my partner is the one doing it, I am gone in a couple of minutes and I have twice ended a session about half an hour earlier than either of us intended.

She finds it funny, which is fine. I find it slightly humbling given how much practice I have put in.

What is actually different? Is it just that I am not in control of the pace, or is there something more to it?

practical_pat · Accepted Answer

It is mostly that you have lost the micro-adjustments. On your own you are making dozens of tiny corrections a minute without noticing, and every one of them is a brake. With someone else, you get whatever they are doing until you say something, and by the time you have decided to say something you are already past it.

calm_hands · Answer

The fix is a running commentary rather than a warning at the end. Say where you are on a scale as you go, out loud, constantly. It feels clinical for about two sessions and then it becomes the thing that makes it work.

solo_specialist · Answer

We have been doing a stop word, which is clearly too late by the time I use it.

keeper_kate · Answer

Yes. From my side, a stop word tells me something has already gone wrong. What I actually want is a number every twenty seconds so I can steer. Being told to stop is a handbrake. Being told you are at seven is a steering wheel.

Fine on my own, hopeless when she is doing it

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