Chastity and orgasm denial discussion

The question that has always plagued me is, “am I living a fulfilling life, a rewarding life, a good life?” How do I define a “good” life? The most important part of my life is my relationship with my wife, and in particular, our sex life. I know that among the normal population of people there are folks who are oversexed (like me and my wife), those who have a vanilla or average sex life, and I have met folks who are truly undersexed. Thus, my sexual relationship with my wife is at the top of “our” list of important things to do each day. The problem for me is defining a rewarding sexual relationship with her. I am so damn attracted and lusty for her. I want desperately to be her lover, I want to feel her lust for me. I want to fuck her to a dozen Os while I come in her pussy with my own explosive orgasm. I truly want this to be my sex life with her. I define fulfillment as exactly this kind of sex life. This has never ever happened with her or any other woman I have known. I have fucked about a half dozen women in my life. Not one of them ever had an orgasm with me through intercourse. A couple of them fucked me once and never came back to me. My penis is three and a half inches erect. I grew up with a very submissive attitude (matches my dick size). When I am with women I am lusting for I act foolish. Women can detect my submissive attitude a mile away. This turns off women who want to fuck and turns on sadistic women who want to deny me sex. I found my life a constant wandering among women looking for sexual fulfillment and always finding rejection. It is true, I am attracted to “bad” girls. It is true, I am attracted to curvy women who report themselves to be size queens. I always end up kissing their feet or worshiping their asses. I am living the life I was meant to live. It is destiny. All of my life experiences led me here. I can no longer deny the truth of my life. I am a submissive male who has an inadequate penis and deserves to be locked in permanent chastity. I serve my wife as her “eunuch” servant. I regularly worship her lover’s cock and balls. I kiss his balls as he pumps his cum into hers. I clean his cock and balls with my mouth when they are done fucking. I rush around the bed and clean my wife’s pussy lips (never ever am I allowed to put my tongue in to her vagina - she wants to keep his cum in there until it all drains away in to her panties). Then, she will get doggy style and I will clean her sweaty ass as he puts his strong hand behind my head and pushes my face into her butt. This is my sex life. I help my wife and her lover have the most intense sex and Os. I am a “eunuch” who has his tiny testicles and still has lusty urges. The two of them literally get turned on by my lust which is never released through orgasm. They are both sadists in this regard. The problem for me is that what I am living is my fantasy sex life. I am a submissive “eunuch” who lives to serve an Alpha couple. I look forward to every opportunity to help them have intense sexual experiences. I literally adore worshiping my wife’s ass every day. The scent and taste of her butt drives me insane with lust. She will turn to me then and say, “Get away from me, your face smells like my asshole.” I crawl away, lust surging through me, almost humping the air trying to relieve some of my lust, and sit several feet away from her so we can talk or have coffee. I want to be a woman’s lover. I want to cum in her pussy. I want to feel the fulfillment of pleasuring my woman, hearing her scream in delight, and getting pleasure in return. What I have is the fulfillment of my long held fantasy. My penis is locked away and unused and undesired by anyone but me. Meanwhile, I am granted my wish to help an Alpha couple have sex. I am in a constant state of arousal. I feverishly worship my wife’s butt which only pushes my lust levels into outer space. A good life? Destiny? I am learning to feel honored when they invite me into their bedroom to help them have sex. I am learning to find pleasure through their pleasure together. I am learning that my presence makes their sex life perfect. I am needed. My fulfillment is fulfilling them. Is this crazy? I will write more later. Comments are appreciated. marcus