Hello everyone. My husband, rrjones, has been reading and contributing here for a few weeks now. He showed me all his posts, and I think he’s received some solid advice. I’ve decided to join the conversation myself because I feel like I could use guidance from more experienced kh’s around here.
Let me start by saying that neither of us wants an alternative d/s lifestyle. Being dominant is a bit of a stretch for me. However, I must admit that my husband staying in chastity has been one of the best things to happen to our marriage. As some of you know, we’ve had a shaky beginning but are doing okay now. When I asked him what he needs from me, his answer was “guidance.” He strongly feels led by me is necessary for this marriage so that he can become a better husband and father.
I’m not entirely comfortable in this role yet, but I am starting to feel genuine excitement about our future.
Here’s the issue. Yesterday morning, he woke up early, took the key out of my purse (which was partly my fault for leaving it there), and let himself out of his cage. He then masturbated in the shower, assuming I wouldn’t get up to check on him. Naturally, this caused a lot of negative emotion between us. Today is our anniversary. I had him wear one of my thong panties under his shorts and typed up a list of chores for him around the house (especially cleaning the bathrooms, which he hates) and handed it to him.
I was heartbroken knowing that this would take away from our time together on our anniversary, but I knew he needed accountability. Although he really wants to be led, he also tends to throw temper tantrums and resist my expectations sometimes. He didn’t want to do one of the tasks I set for him, got angry, and threw a computer chair into the hallway, breaking two wheels and creating negative “drama.”
He wanted to argue while I cooked breakfast, with our 5-year-old sitting at the table. This wasn’t acceptable behavior. I followed him to the bedroom, closed the door, and made him discuss it calmly. He felt most of the list was fair but thought that one specific task set him up for failure because I expected quick results.
I explained that he could have discussed this with me calmly instead of making a scene. So, I decided to relax on that particular task and told him he can do it next weekend when he’s home. Now I’m angry because I feel like I have to treat him like the child who threw the tantrum and punish him for it.
I have some ideas in mind. We also have a 12-year-old, and I don’t want these outbursts affecting our kids. What I’m trying to figure out is how much is too much versus not enough? I want this process to positively impact our marriage and family without causing resentment. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel like he can control everything.
I know he’s begging for punishment, but I don’t think he fully grasps that punishment isn’t supposed to be fun or a sexual turn-on for him unless I’m in a teasing, playful mood and want to arouse him. Am I looking at this all wrong? How should I handle the tantrums?