My wife went ahead and bought a set of ten Master locks from Amazon, with four keys included per lock. It seems odd they provided so many since these are all keyed alike, meaning we now have forty matching keys for just ten locks. She swapped out the inexpensive lock on my cage for one of the new ones, clicked it into place, and tucked a single key inside a small combination box to serve as my emergency option. After that, she gathered up the remaining thirty-nine keys and vanished.
About half an hour later, she returned to show me her handiwork. She explained using my Dremel tool to grind down 38 of those keys so they no longer fit our specific locks properly. All the damaged keys were stored in a small pill container which she keeps hidden away. Her plan is that occasionally I can grab a key at random and attempt to unlock myself, giving me roughly a one-in-thirty-nine probability of success during these surprise moments. This should be quite thrilling…