A buddy of mine shared this on Facebook today. When I read it aloud to Mistress Wolf, we both burst out laughing at the hidden meanings… The original poster has already swapped “Canine” for “Husband,” and I plan to keep it that way instead of switching back to submissive, just in case anyone wants to share it with their vanilla friends.. I was checking earlier today what is required to pass the Canine Good Citizen’s test. After reading through the criteria, there’s no doubt my husband would fail a human version. Give it a try yourself. Just replace “husband” where you see “dog.” By the way, my husband made this pizza and sent me the photo while I was away. We can all guess how this assessment will go. Now here is the test. Feel free to run your husbands through it and tell us what score they’d get.
- “Accepting a friendly stranger” The husband allows a friendly stranger to approach him and speak with his handler in a natural, everyday setting. Hmm, no chance.
- “Sitting Politely for Petting” The husband lets a friendly stranger pet him while he is out with his handler. Really? If I’m out with Troy and someone wanted to pat him, he’d bite them.
- “Appearance and Grooming” The husband permits someone to check his ears and front paws, much like a groomer or vet would do. I might be able to look at his ears or feet myself, but anyone else risks danger.
- “Out for a Walk (walking on a loose lead)” Following the evaluator’s directions, the husband walks on a loose lead (with his handler/owner). As if he could ever manage that.
- “Walking Through a Crowd” This test shows the husband can move politely among pedestrians and stay controlled in public spots. The husband and handler walk around, passing close to several people (at least three). Never, never, never. People in his path could get hurt. He hates crowded places. Like malls during Christmas.
- “Sit and Down on Command and Staying in Place” The husband must sit AND down when commanded, then the owner picks which position he stays in while left behind. Hahahahaha
- “Coming When Called” This test shows the husband will come to his handler (from 10 feet away on a leash). Hahahaha
- “Reaction to Another Husband” This test shows the husband behaves politely around other husbands. Two handlers and their husbands approach each other from about 20 feet apart, stop, shake hands, and exchange pleasantries. He’d likely show pity for the other fellow.
- “Reaction to Distraction” The evaluator picks two distractions like dropping a chair or similar noises. He would demand to know what all that noise was about. Then return to whatever he was doing.
- “Supervised Separation” This test shows a husband can be left with someone trusted, if needed, and keep his training and good manners. Evaluators are encouraged to say something like, “Shall I watch your husband?” then take hold of the leash. The owner steps out of sight for three minutes. The husband doesn’t have to stay in position but shouldn’t bark, whine, or pace too much unless necessary, nor show more than mild agitation or nervousness. Evaluators may talk to him but should avoid excessive talking, petting, or management attempts (e.g., “there, there, it’s alright”). I’m fairly certain he’d worry about the leash, but not my absence. Have a good weekend kids.