I’m not entirely sure I grasp how I ended up here, which might be why I feel driven to record it. It could get religiously intense—maybe uncomfortably so—but I don’t care if that bothers you. If the idea offends your sensibilities, keep quiet and stop reading now. Rest assured, I truly do not give a damn. This applies to whatever else you might find disrespectful or offensive; honestly, I couldn’t care less. Feel free to leave my journal, hold onto your opinions, and browse the millions of other threads online until you spot something that suits you better. Or start a new thread complaining about how much you dislike this post. Whatever you choose, don’t delude yourself into thinking I’ll accept any criticism or policing of my thoughts. You’ve been warned.
I am no saint, and I doubt I ever will be. So it surprises me to find myself here, feeling an obligation to repent. Though I’m not even certain “repent” is the right word for what motivates me; that’s how distant I feel from any sense of holiness. I drink, I swear, I lust after women, I gamble, and I have bursts of angry passion—in short, nothing about my nature suggests a sincere desire for penance.
Perhaps it’s age. Somewhere deep in my soul, I’m realizing that the end is nearer than the beginning. That might explain why I want to make amends for past sins. It’s just my current theory, and I don’t know for certain.
One day, after pondering it, I decided I didn’t want my wife using birth control anymore. She has an IUD. As a Roman Catholic, that is practically heresy in some eyes. My wife is always prayerful but not strictly devoted to the church. I am also Roman Catholic, though I drifted from faith as I grew older. Every time I went to mass, anger bubbled up inside me. This isn’t the church of my childhood; it feels less Catholic than ever. That upset me greatly during services, and seeing me like that hurt her feelings, so eventually, I stopped attending.
That was decades ago, but recently I realized she should stop using birth control to avoid offending God. She is a good woman with good intentions who wants to be a faithful Catholic. When I told her my views on the IUD had shifted, she complained loudly. Most of her complaints were typical excuses from an empowered woman—excuses that might not hold up on Judgment Day—but one struck me hard. She said if they switched back to natural family planning and she missed something or got a detail wrong, we’d have to wait for sex, and I would get angry with her. So now, the blame falls on me. Which is always true for married men.
Of course, it’s not actually my fault, but Adam didn’t really care about that logic either. You know what I mean. Both Adam and Eve were expelled from Paradise.
I do love my wife, and I want her to cease offending God so she can reach heaven. Also, I have many sins of the flesh for which I need to repent. If purgatory is where I go, it will be a long stay—a good chunk of eternity. But hell seems more likely given how things stand.
So, I’ve decided to offer her my chastity as a gift. I promised to abstain from using my genitals for sexual purposes until she feels ready for unprotected sex by having the IUD removed. She says she won’t be ready until menopause arrives. At 45 years old, and with an average age of menopause around 51.5 for women like her, I am looking at roughly six to seven years of denial. I have fully agreed to this, along with other concessions regarding the issues she raised. She is still processing it all, but I won’t be the reason she says no.
I have much more to write because that brings us up to about two months ago, but I’ve written enough for now. So I’ll pause here and continue in a few days.